who is that girl i see in the mirror? the girl with the tears streaking down her cheek. The girl with furious eyes, as if anger never fades from her soul. The girl who everyone used to love, admire, and appreciate is gone.She is not in that mirror. Where did she go?
I used to think it was just a phase, but this "phase" seems so permanent. This anger that has always been overpowering me, i thought it was just part of a reaction of being an adolescent. But no, how long can anger stay in someones mind? How long can anger take over someones personality? This isn't me, this isn't who I want to be. I've officially changed.
I seem so different to not only my friends and family, but also to myself. I feel as if i am a stranger, I don't know who I am anymore. All the anger i have wrote about, i am reacting to it today. I feel hypocritical. I used to tell others "don't say anything you will regret in the future". But today i realized I said so many things that i regret saying. Things about my women who carried me in herself for 9 months, the women who gave birth to me, the women who feed me her own milk, the women who loved me from day 1 of my birth until this day, and who will always love and care for me, my mother. I said so many things about her, some of it was just part of growing up and not realizing what her job was in my life. All of our mother-daughter arguments, not realizing that she was just protecting me, not trying to make my life miserable. I said she was hurting me, but it was ME who was hurting more. I complain about her, on how she doesn't understand me, and how i wish i was born differently...I was blinded by fury, by my stubborn personality, by not having things my way. I thought i hated her, but in truth i loved her, and i love her. I didn't realize how deep i have hurt her until today. When my eyes finally opened. My mom never told me that I hurt her, it was when I heard my family, my relatives, my cousins/siblings tell me that I am hurting her, i was shocked. I went into denial. I thought ...
"me?! The loved one of the family. The one everyone cared about. ME?! Making such a mistake. I...ME hurt my mother." I couldn't believe it."
I didn't realize it. Then i noticed i am hurting her. i realized i wouldn't want that kind of relationship between my daughter.
I know i have hurt her a lot. More than an apology can make up for. I just want to tell her, that i do love her, i do care for her, that i will get over my tantrums just to make sure she knows i love her. i don't want anyone to think bad of me, that i am not a bad person, that i am not like those girls who disrespects their parents...their MOM.
i would do anything to take back all the sadness i gave my mother. I swear by Allah(SWT) that i will build the happiness my mother and i used to have. I will build the trust my mother used to have in me. I pray to let my mother know how much i dearly love her.
It takes time and patience to build a strong relationship. I am usually very impatient, but for my mother, i will make sure she will sleep soundly at night knowing that her daughter loves her.
...
Ameen
Love from Alita
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